I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
