i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
