good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i drank out of a bidet.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
