I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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