His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
