Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
