hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
