so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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