I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
