I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
