Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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