Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
