I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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