Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Did you pee in the oven last night??
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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