Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
