My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
