im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
