He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
