It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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