This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Is it penis luge time yet?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
