I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
