I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
