I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
