he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
