I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
