I just saw a hot homeless man
I faked an abortion last night.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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