you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
