shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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