I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
