Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
