i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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