my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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