The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
