My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
being pregnant is like rehab
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
