Midget sex pt 2 tonight
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
