Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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