Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
