I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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