Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
