Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
