just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
My penis needs a shock collar
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
