Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Boobs speak an international language.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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