Non-Jews are for practice
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
