so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
