i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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