And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
