the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
