just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
