I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
