My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I got her a Nickelback box set.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
